Tuesday, 13 April 2010

BARC to the future

Being as I am left all on my bloody own for dirty great chunks of the day I get to listen to the radio a lot, Radio 4 being my favourite station. As a result I am beginning to get really rather clued up on current affairs and have begun to take a great interest in this politics malarkey. I don't claim to be an expert on the subject, but I have become very interested in the upcoming general election, which isn't as you might imagine a military gentleman but is in fact some kind of competition, akin to the X-Factor but without Simon Cowell, in which the person who comes across as the least dislikable, who tells the most attractive lies and who smiles at the most children is the winner. The prize - you get to live in a place called London, rent free, and more importantly you get to be the boss of the Army. And the Navy, and the Air Force too. It occured to me the other day that being the boss of the Army, Navy and Air Force would greatly help in my plans for a New World Order. I have therefore, after much consideration, decided to form my own political party and to stand for election myself. Now obviously I know that you, dear reader, and all of my other puppy fans will without a shadow of a doubt vote for me. That goes without saying. However, even with my small army of fans I doubt that I would get enough votes to secure an overall majority and might force a hung Parliament. That just isn't enough. I want my paw to be the only one on the button of our nuclear detterent. I don't want to have to bother arguing with any one else over it. I would rather beg for forgiveness than ask for permission.

And so, in an effort to win over the rest of the population, or at least to win over fifty one percent of them, I have worked tirelessly all morning to pen a manifesto, and publish it here for your perusal. You will notice, I am sure, that unlike the manifestos of all the other major parties mine is not simply a simpering tome filled with empty promises, unattainable aspirations and assorted delusions. I promise to be honest, open, to the point and succinct.

And now to the manifesto itself...

1) Health.

We could save a huge chunk of money by all being just that little bit more careful and trying our best to have fewer accidents. The money we then save could be ploughed back into the National Health Service and spent on things like, ermmm, tablets. Oh, and biscuits. Biscuits are proven to be of great therapeutic benefit to the sick and infirm.

2) The economy.

The long man has a big bottle in his bedroom into which he puts all the coins he finds on the floor when we are out on our walks. If we all did this we would all have a big bottle of money. Sorted.

3) Policing.

If we all stop stealing things and murdering people we wont need the police so much. This is something of a no-brainer. The police could then concentrate on the scurge of modern society, that being the gangs of feral cats plaguing our streets and pooing in the passage next to my house.

4) Defence.

The army, navy and air force WILL respect my authority. As a result, so will all of you, my subjects.

5) Education.

Instead of being given one biscuit when being trained to sit/lie down/shake paws etc. all puppies will be given two biscuits. Puppies like a nice biscuit. Believe me, I know. The extra incentive will ensure improved results and happier puppies. We will pay for this measure by increasing taxes on cat food, kitty litter and squeeky mouse toys.

6) The environment.

There is a growing problem with cat poo in the passage next to my house. I will undertake to stamp out (Not literally of course, that would make even more of a mess out there.) this problem by passing legislation to ensure that cats are in future exercised ON A LEAD and accompanied at all times when outside their homes by one of their people, who must be armed with a poo bag. Any cats found to be wandering around the streets willy-nilly without a human chaperone will be rounded up and transported to a detention centre on the Isle of Dogs. And shot.

I trust I can count on your vote on May the Sixth, and remember....

A vote for Ronnie is a vote for me.

1 comment:

  1. Oooo Ronnie very, very good points. You metioned puppies, but not elders. Hmm, maybe you should rethink, although, I too have considered running...If so I will become leader of the park near moi. :D
    ANyway, good luck pup, I may be voting for you!
    Frankie x