Thursday, 17 December 2009

Wee sports

I have noticed that those little people seem to spend all their spare time sitting gazing at the television. I've never seen the attraction myself. That is to say, until today! I saw the most amazing show, it's called "one dog and his man" or some such thing, but the title isn't important. Basically it's a competition, I'm not too sure of the rules, but you get to chase sheep all over a massive field and then get given a biscuit, and we all know how much I love a nice biscuit. I think I could grow to love chasing sheep also. I'm going to apply to be on the show next year I think.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this previously, but for some strange reason (a very welcome reason, but strange none the less.) I get given a biscuit every time I do a wee outside. Never when I wee inside though, not sure why that's the case, a wee's a wee after all, but I digress. I have recently discovered that if, part way through a wee, I clench the muscles in my intimate feminine area, I can stop the wee mid flow, at which point I get given a biscuit. Then it's simply a case of relaxing a little and letting nature take it's course before, yes you've guessed it, that gormless long man gives me a second biscuit. Two biscuits per wee, that's a one hundred per cent rise in productivity, or profit, or something like that. Whichever way you look at it, it's a result.

Sunday, 13 December 2009

Reservoir dog

I think I may have to reassess my opinion of the long man, maybe I was a little harsh initially. That which I had previously believed to be weakness I now see to be kindness. I have certainly had a great time with him over the last twenty four hours or so. So much fun in fact that I have decided, once I seize power and become the Alpha of this dysfunctional pack in which I find myself stuck, I might make him second in command.
Yesterday morning didn't seem to be getting off to a great start. I had a spot of breakfast and was looking forward to our regular little amble around the block when I was surreptitiously bundled into one of the smelly, metal box things, he calls it his "work svan", and taken, against my will, on a road trip. The journey seemed to take forever. I tried, at one point, to dial the dogs trust on his phone that he had left on the seat next to me, but the little buttons weren't designed for paws and I just kept getting some woman, apparently called Emma Gincey, asking me which service I required. Eventually though we arrived at our destination, and I must say it was well worth it! It's called a "reserve wire". What a place. Trees, grass, mud, poo, leaves, water and a multitude of other dogs, all with fragrant butts to sniff. So many butts, so little time. There was even a castle, the little people would have loved it. Oh and the fussing I was getting off the people the dogs had brought with them, so nice. I only usually get that much fuss when the long man and the clippy cloppy woman have been to the big building at the end of the road where all the people that can't walk properly congregate. I believe it's called the "low cal". I don't quite see the point of people visiting a low calorie establishment when they all stagger out of there and straight into the kebab shop next door.
All too soon our fun was over and it was back into the svan for another little road trip, this time to the long mans home town of Salford, a quaint little fishing village on the banks of the Irwell. There I was introduced to Audrey, a chunky little Earth mother of a dog, and her people, the shouty woman and the lady with the clicky ankle. Audrey was very excitable and not in the least bit lady like, but friendly enough. I think Audrey was an only child because I noticed she does NOT like to share her biscuits. Mind you, I'd begrudge doing that too. I love biscuits you see. She also has half an ear missing. I didn't like to ask what had happened in case she took offence, but I hear Salford is a bit rough. (I hear better than Audrey anyway, hehe!)
The clicky ankle lady has a lovely garden, with grass and water and leaves and flowers and lots of poo, and I think a few biscuits buried out there also. I'll try and get the long man to take me there again, hopefully when the shouty woman and Audrey aren't around, so I can investigate further.