Wednesday, 9 December 2009

Chops, plops and bad Christmas carols

I swear on all that is holy if I have to sit through one more rendition of the little people singing the song about Uncle Billy losing his willy on the motorway I shall turn feral and unleash furious vengeance upon the bloody pair of them! Apparently it's a song for that Chris bloke that's coming to visit. It's even more annoying than the quaint little ditty about how good beans are for ones heart.
The bed situation is going great guns. I overheard the clippy cloppy woman saying to the long man the other morning that if he doesn't stop me getting in the bed with them every night she is going to take herself off and sleep in the spare bedroom where she can have a bed all to herself. The long man was full of platitudes, all "Yes sweetheart" and "Okay baby" until she left the room, then he gave me a big toothy smile, a tickle on the head and he did that thing where he closes one eye for a second and makes a click-click noise. He's such a pushover.
My tummy was a bit jiggly and my bottom a bit squirty the other day. According to the clippy cloppy woman it's the long mans fault for feeding me lamb chops the previous night. I don't see the problem myself. My poo comes out quicker, meaning I spend less time squatting in the cold, and most of it slips between the gaps in the decking, meaning the long man has less to pick up. And lamb chops taste goooooood! It's a win win situation as far as I can see. All things considered, lamb chops are the future.

Monday, 7 December 2009

My karma ran over my dogma

Goodness me I was bored today. The long man was out for ages, he didn't get home till long after the "beep-beep-beep-beep-beeeeep" noise on the radio. Another five minutes and I'd have taken a poo on the kitchen floor just to spite him. I let him make himself a cup of tea before I started teaching him a new trick. I put my paw up in the air for him to hold and shake and he gives me a little piece of meat out of his left over sandwiches. (Left over food is a concept I don't understand, I never have left over food. I sometimes have food I haven't eaten yet, but I wouldn't say it was left over.) Later, after the long man, the clippy cloppy woman and the little people had eaten, I decided to do a little more work on the trick and blow me, the little people copied him. They're more clever than they look. I didn't have to show them, they just picked it up from watching him. Bless them.
The long man and I went for a little wander earlier. I do enjoy the afternoon walks, people are in less of a rush and I get far more attention. One lady, who had a bag and smelled of sausages, stopped to give me a bit of a tickle and asked the long man "Is she a bitch?" Far from springing to my defence he replied "Yes". The bloody cheek of it. I mean come on, I ask you, do I seem in the least bit bitchy to you? I was livid. When we got back to this dump I made sure to pee all over the settee. Unfortunately the long man didn't notice and I forgot, then I jumped up onto the settee for a bit of a lie down and slipped all over the place, covered in my own filthy wee-wee. Thats karma that is.
The clippy cloppy woman is, as I write, pushing that noisy, sucky thing around on the cow skin in the other room, sucking up all the bits of biscuit and chewed up bouncy ball that I've spent all day spreading around. I don't know why she's bothering, I'd have eaten it all later anyway. Now I'm going to have to start over and at this rate I'll have no bouncy balls left. Wonder if Chris will bring me some when he visits. Bouncy balls and biscuits, lovely.
The long man is asleep on the settee, I'll have to wake him soon or he'll not sleep tonight. I'll take him out for another quick walk, once that bloody clippy cloppy woman has finished pushing that annoying contraption around in there.

Sunday, 6 December 2009

Opposable thumbs and lovely cake crumbs

Apparently we're to have an important visitor soon, some guy by the name of Chris Mazday, or something like that. From what I've so far ascertained he will be bringing gifts for us all with him. I hope I get biscuits, I love biscuits. He must be a very important person because the long man and the clippy cloppy woman have spent all day decorating the house with the most vulgar and garish ornaments it has ever been my misfortune to sniff. They've also put a dirty great big tree in the corner of the room and covered it with shiny balls and lights. It doesn't smell like any tree I've ever encountered though, in fact it smells quite plasticky.
There were a lot of guests for me to play with today, a few of them I've met before but there were a few new faces. A few of them were little people, but not as little as my little people. One lady, with a black furry coat on, was especially nice to me. She smelled lovely, like lavender and biscuits. I don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but I love biscuits. They all had cake to eat, which meant I had cake to eat too. The long man kept sneaking me a bit every now and then when the clippy cloppy woman wasn't looking. And the furry coated woman kept dropping bits in her lap, I think on purpose so I could "share the wealth". I like cake. Cake and biscuits. Biscuits best, but cakes are nice too.
Well, time to take the long man for his walk, so I'll have to love you and leave you for now. I must say, even if it is a bit of a bind, I do quite enjoy having my people. It's a bit of company for me, and they're very little trouble really. Plus, the lack of an opposable thumb makes it hard for me to open the biscuit barrel, or operate a tin opener, so they do come in useful.