Thursday, 11 March 2010

Call a spayed a spayed

Now I have, in an attempt to educate myself further, read quite a lot about the 1939-1945 conflict with Germany and, more relevantly to this post, the rise and fall of the Nazi party. The atrocities carried out by this frankly evil shower are beyond belief, and it was only a matter of time before both the long man's Grandfathers decided enough was enough and, together with a gang of their pals, went out there and gave the Germans a good old kicking. After a long struggle they defeated Hitler, who only had one ball, Goering, who had two but very small, Himler, who was very similar, poor old Goebbels, who had no balls at all, and all their cohorts. Not only did the long man's Grandfathers fight the good fight, but his Grandmothers also had to suffer terrible hardships such as forgoing bananas and having to substitute gravy browning for stockings. Now, aside from many, many other vile acts and beliefs, one thing that the Nazi's were rather keen on was something called "eugenics". This included some Teutonic tosser by the name of Josef Mengele performing forced hysterectomies on many women, and was one of the things that said Grandparents tried to ensure would never happen again. Well I'm here to tell you, puppy fans, that eugenics is alive and kicking and being performed at the Vets4Pets veterinary clinic in Leyland to this very day! There was I expecting to have my nails clipped or my bottom checked, as usually happens when the long man takes me there, when I felt a sharp scratch on my leg and passed out, only to awake several hours later in a cage, feeling nauseus, with a lamp shade on my head and my uterus in a bucket. Happy? I most certainly am not. The long man came to collect me much later with a nervous smile on his face and a pocket full of biscuits. Just when I start to think that man cannot possible sink any lower he goes out of his way to prove me wrong. I swear the only thing stopping me from attempting to tear his throat out as he sleeps is the cold-war doctrine of mutually assured destruction. That and this bloody lamp shade. It's not all bad news though. For one thing I hate kids anyway, and I am getting a lot more biscuits than usual.

Aside from having my canine rights completely disregarded and my womb horribly violated it's not been such a bad week. Home is fast getting back to how I remember it. Lots of tickles, lots of walking and lots of biscuits. I have also almost competely re-scented every room in the house. That fat, flat faced white cat from over the road got the shock of its short life yesterday when it jumped over my back gate and came face to face with yours truly. If not for this infernal cone I'd have had the little bugger too.

The clippy cloppy woman is still being very nice to me and, since the debacle that resulted in the loss of my ovaries, has become my favourite person by a long chalk. She still has issues with sharing, especially when it comes to the bed, but I'm sure that, given time, we will come to some mutually beneficial arrangement. Especially if she exiles the long man to the spare room.

I have been escorting the little people to school every morning this week. They seem to get a kick out of it and I love them for that. School is, apparently, a place of education but I think that the little people's school is failing them badly. I'm considering phoning Ofsted and getting them to give the little peoples teacher a good kick up the backside. They don't seem to have gotten any brighter since our seperation. Their vocabulary consists of nothing more than "can I have?", "get off that Ronnie it's mine." and "but whyyyyyy?". I have managed to teach one of them to get the lid off my biscuit barrell and sneak me a few of my delicious treats whilst the long man and the clippy cloppy woman are otherwise engaged. Maybe I should take up teaching?

I have the itchiest bumhole EVER, and because of this bloody contraption I've no way of licking or nibbling it. The only relief I get it dragging my bum around the furry things or the clippy cloppy woman's bedding, and that, puppy fans, is what I am going to do right now. Adieu.

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