Tuesday, 23 February 2010

Get me out of here

Bloody hell that long man is getting so very needy of late. He isn't going to work this week, he's poorly (Malingering if you ask me.) with something called "rain hard syndrome" and as a result my routine is all to cock. I did get a chance of a lie in this morning, but I missed my shows on Radio 4 because he had the telly thingy on instead. No "Woman's hour" and I've missed "the Archers" too. He had me lay on his knee this morning for over an hour tickling my ears. I know I've moaned about a lack of special tickles from the long man in recent weeks, I admit I missed them when he and the clippy cloppy woman first parted company, but I've outgrown all that now. Developed other interests. Too little, too late. He can stick his tickles where the sun doesn't shine. (That would be Salford I suppose, all the time we spend over there now and I don't recall seeing the sun once!) And even more annoyingly he asked me if I loved him! Well, I choked on my reply. I'd rather hurt him honestly than mislead him with a lie. Let's face it folks, even if he were in the least little bit lovable, which he most certainly is NOT, I'm a dog. And as such, I have no concept of love. Or hate. So at least I don't hate him. You'd think that would be enough wouldn't you?

According to the clicky ankled lady I have become something of a celebrity in the local pub. At least that's what I think she meant when she called me a "bar star dog" on Saturday when I was emptying the bin in the kitchen for her. I do like to be helpful when the long man and I are staying with her. And to be frank it's a good job I did empty it for her, she was throwing out all sorts of perfectly edible food. She's a very wastful woman indeed.

Speaking of celebrity, it appears that many people, from all over the world, have been reading my inane ramblings. A plethora of puppy fans. Some live in such exotic and far flung places and some of the place names are intriguing. For instance, one reader lives in a place called LABRADOR! I thought I might like to visit Labrador, until I googled it. My word, and there was me thinking Leyland was cold, but it's positively balmy in comparison.

Audrey and I are getting on famously now that we have been spending so much time together. She can still be a little snappy, and bitey, but you know what? I've learnt to rise above it. To be the "bigger" pup. To turn the other cheek. And most importantly, I've learnt to bide my time and wait for the opportunity to put her well and truly in her place once and for all. You see, I have noticed recently that as I get older I get bigger, and stronger. Audrey, on the other hand, seems to be well passed her prime. It is only a matter of time, you just mark my words, before I take my rightful place as top dog around here. There will be no more having to let her eat my bones. No more having to let her play with my toys. No more having to wag my tail and pretend it's ok. Oh no. She will, once I'm fully developed, have to respect my authority.

It's snowing outside. I think I shall drag the long man out to the pet shop. There is not one single piece of dead pig or cow for me to munch on in this dump. I've been having to make do with the occasional packet of crisps or piece of toast and quite simply that just does not cut the mustard. After all, a girl has her waistline to consider. I know it's not P.C. to make statements like that, "body image isn't important", "big is beautiful", but let's face it - it's never the thin puppies that say things like that is it?

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